Skin+Bones

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say."

- Anais Nin

What am I doing I was so in love with you.

Laying awake next to you crying, because I’m so happy were better than ever. Closely tucked behind you while my legs wrap around you, I was perfectly close. So I sit here and think where exactly is this going? Or am I putting myself in the same situation I was needing to get out of. Your body just completely takes over. I swear I’m in no position of control. I love you, I love you so much that it’s killing me. And honestly I’ve been scared, what I thought was the end wasn’t really, so I choked. I gave you your space, and stayed away for as long as I could.
I know I’m clearly capable of letting go, it’s just that time doesn’t come.
I sit here hopelessly crying because everything I did was a waist. You have no idea what your doing to me, I wish you’d realize whos really important in your life and appreciate the things that really matter. I can’t believe the chances I’ve given and the tears I’ve she’d just so I could be with you. Just simply so that I could call you mine. It meant that much to me, to the point where I’ve been tearing myself apart. All for you, it’s blood I’ve been loosing and my heart beings to beat slow. I can’t take this anymore Ive lost all hope…

March 21, 2012’ 3:14 a.m.

So I’ll sit here typing as tears run down my face. Hitting the keyboard, soaking into keys I can barely read. My eyes they’ve over filled from trying so hard to keep them in. I’m struggling just to type the right words, but I find myself back spacing more then usual. I need the strength and motivation that I’ll be happy after this. So I continue to type….. This is it. Let me go, because I no longer want you a part of my life. You’ve gave my heart all it can handle and I’m a women of strength, but this is enough. I deserve a man of sacrifice, respect, honesty and all the above. I can wait, and I can surely find it in myself to find peace in my heart. For its all I have left. Its 3:05 a.m. I’m on my knees, crying for you, thinking where will this go next. How am I going to feel in a few days or even months.. Will I still be here yet with bruised knees, and swollen eyes. Or will I be strong enough to find it in myself. Will the loneliness carry on or will I surpass being without you.

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2:53 AM I was doing so good, until…

Please god save me the pain, because heart broken I am. I can’t take it anymore. Without love’ I was, and now I’ve fallen back. Spiraling into my past that I can’t seem to ever get over. Although I don’t see how I could ever, just only if there was a way I could put it aside. Because of him I’ve fallen apart, my heart won’t beat till it had some sort or reason. I swear I woke up every day in your favor, pondering of ways I could make you happy. I’m in desperate need of the love I lost, trying to find what exactly it ended with. Absence can make the heart grow fonder though sometimes absence keeps me grounded. I was getting use to being alone till you kissed me again. And immediately your back. Many nights I cried, and herd you moved on. Then till recently, what I’ve herd and what we’ve done, this can’t be over just yet. As you said ” I mean so much to you.” Just come back already.

I could’ve sworn you’d come back.

I swear though I was half asleep it was all real. That I was reading everything I wanted to hear from you. Reading that you asked for my forgivness, telling me that there isnt a day you havent thought about me. That my whole night of praying for us came through. I dreamt all night about you, I swear I could feel your wamth and your hand in mine. My bed no longer was lonely I had you with me. I want you more now. Only because of that one night. I caved, jumped and fell to your knees. Your kiss completly destroyed any barrier I had worked on so hard. Im torn, broken, and all of the above. There’s a part of me missing and I’m lost without it. Weak I’ve become and my strength has long gone. Analyzing how you can do so much for a person, and how easily they can forget you. Reading your letters seeing the words “Just know I’d give everything for you, While I’ve been here all I can think about is you, and all the good things about us. I love you Noelle!” and that right there was always just enough. Its been months, and now I can’t even look at the envelope’s the letters remain in. Sometimes I wish I could give them back, so I would never be able to read them again. I just can’t find it in myself to burn them therfore giving them back would be my only solution. Because maybe just maybe it’d remind you of how important I was to you then. Ive let go before, but I’m finding it so hard for me to do it this time. I know I left you, only because you simply weren’t who I loved anymore. When you came back, yes you changed for the better, now months into being home you’ve gone back to the old you. I just expected more, thinking I was finally going to be your number one. That everything was grand, and I had nothing to worry about anymore… Guess thats where my fault lies’ my mistake and lesson learned. I hate admiting I should have left you when you cheated on me, and mostly I hate that I was too blind to realize we weren’t ever going to be what I wanted.

The month of September.

I remember coming home late from work, after thinking about you all day. Thinking about what else I could possibly tell you in my letters. I stayed up for hours and hours just writing you, though I was completly exhausted. Those weeks and month of staying up till three or so drained me, but I still wrote you. I knew thatd itd be the only thing making you smile. It was the closest thing to actually talking to you. It was all I had. Every single day I mailed a letter, baught stamps, and kissed it goodbye. Praying youd get out soon. I went though so much that month I dont think you realize it. Your mom was the only one who could put a smile on face, just going to church with her praying for you and reminicing about your childhood just all made me feel better. I knew that when you do get out, that wed all have a close relationship, that was all I wanted. It came to your court date as your mother called me reveleing the bad news. I completly fell crying at work talking to your mom, she told me “he doesnt think youll wait for him” that it could be a year till you come back. I just couldnt bare to hear those words come out of her mouth, because I knew imediatly I was going to be here for you no matter what. There was just no way in telling you myself, so I asked her to tell you. I hated the fact that you thought I was going to leave you after everything we had been through. I was sworn to you that I wouldnt go anywhere. and did I? No. The only reason we are the way we are now is only because you chose for things to be this way. I never left you once, I was praying we’d end up together. But I guess sometimes were better off.

"You said good things take time to perfect.."

Eng IV Prompt: Write about a moment someone made you feel something.

I remember feeling so impervious to anything that would get in the way of this rare moment. That feeling of protection knowing nothing could possibly ruin this, nor hurt me in any way. It was this moment that someone suddenly made me feel safe.

I wish I could gather all the times I felt like crying because, it all felt too good. Against him I felt whole, just completely oblivious to anything missing in my life. I had no pain in me what so ever. Just being there with him, it all vanished. I couldn’t remember what pain even was. I felt so protected, as if nothing has ever hurt me before. All my worries, stress and troubles gone.

Just laying there in the simplest of ways sleeping, he moved close enough that I could hear every heart beat. That single sound alone provided me security. Each beat reminded me I had someone here for me. That was something I had never felt before. That tight grip in my hand meant more to me than just our palms touching, It was as if his hand was never going to let go. That if any harm would even try and come my way he’d be there to push it all away. His words convinced me I was safe in his hands. That everything would simply be okay as long as he didn’t let me go.

As the night carried on he was my pillow. Though on him I got a different sense of comfort then I normally would have at home. I knew that even if my eyes were closed, he’d still be laying next to me every time I’d open them. His arms lacked of muscle, but they kept me thinking I had some sort of shield around me. No one ever could guard me the way he did. It was the fact that everything about him defined safety in my eyes. No, we weren’t in some sort of life risking moment or tragic event, we were just laying there, and he was capable of making me feel as if I had ten strong security men around me.

All I wanted was to feel something, and he just happened to be the only one to make me feel this. Out of everyone in the world this single person was always there for me. He truly made me appreciate the concept that everything was really going to be okay. That I didn’t have to fend for myself, nor be alone. I had him to lean on. This moment, and this one guy suddenly gave me every bit of safety I needed.

Where did this go?… (Taken with instagram)

"Id fight for you, but its clearly not my turn. The fact that you’ve surrendered before even trying, just shows your strength."

Done.

When it comes down to it, at the end of the day I realize how much I really do love you. That whatever we are now is better than not having you at all. I can’t express it enough how much I want you to be a part of my life. I want to wake up again figuring out what could I do today to make you happy. You were everything to me and I’d give anything to have us back.

Your never going to change and I cant expect you to be perfect, but I did expect you to grow up a little, but I realize now its not going to happen. I dont need this anymore, Im growing up’ my life is about to begin and your only holding me back. Not only do you not do anything for me, Im waisting so much of my time doing things for you. and waking up this morning I absolutly hate you. Your a pathetic little boy who walks away from his problems rather then solving them. Who’s too dumb to realize he has everything. Too imature and sooo much less than a man. I kept asking myself what I ever saw in you, and there’s not one little thing I could come up with. Im so digusted I want you completly out of my life, and I mean it with every bone in my body. Dont you dare come back crawling, because I wont ever talk to you again. I hope I never see you again. This is it. I dont hope the best for you, I dont hope your happy…. none of that you dont deserve shit. So inconsiderate and selfish you are. I gave up on you, theres not one bit of faith I have for you in my heart, and when your going to need me, trust me I wont fucking be there. Dont think im not capable of saying this to your face because I definetly could, though your too much of a coward to even see me. So have your little girls you like, have your stupid ass fucked up friends who do nothing with their lives just as you, and deal. Thats all youll ever have, your right when you said your a piece of shit. I should have walked away the first time. but I wanted to believe in you so much, I guess thats where I was competly wrong. For ever beleving in you. Walking away with out even saying a word, I pitty your confidence. and laugh at your strength. You gave up just like you do with everything else you fail with, its sad. and im no longer convincing you your something anymore, your nothing. There’s a lot of things I came through with so let me promise this that I wont ever come back.

Its always been me against the water, struggling. Speaking with confidence I am allowed to say now that im not scared anymore. Growing up I’ve realized how things truly work. These past 17 years of my life taught me to be who I am today and I can’t express that enough, how far I’ve come. From being a clueless little girl to the independent woman I am today. I’ve prepared myself literally for anything that can get in the way of my happiness. Going through the things I’ve gone through only made me a better person. I know that when things turn to shit, they turn so that better things will fall together. That when life seems like its hating on me, everything is going to be okay. Ive had my downs and realized if I gave up every time I failed, why would I have the rest of my life to change it? It’s for a reason. I know I’m going to make something more of myself. I’m not afraid anymore, of being hurt, getting heart broken, life, money, none of it. Because the way I see it is if your hurting you have to see yourself happy, and if your hurt you have seen your self in health. You can’t possibly move on from whatever it is if your going to continue it and soak in your sorrow thinking things will never get better, because if you do. Your right things will never progress. Though if you change that and see whatever out come you need then yes it’ll come, it may not be today.. tomorrow .. Or a month from now, but trust me it’ll come.

Save me the sorrow.

My knees are tucked in my chest and in bed im laying hopeless. I can’t accept waking up alone. Im at a loss for sleep and its four in the morning. Feeling desolate, im suffering from the constant reminder that you’ve walked completly out of my life. I cant seem to accept your no longer apart of me, which is killing me the most. You were my everything, and at the end of the day all that mattered was you were mine.

You must have forgot.

I know a lot has change in the past month, but don’t ever forget who was there for you when you had no one. Remember all the letters, the five page letters convincing you I was going to be here no matter what. Telling you I’d wait it out no matter how long it took. You said you’d give anything for me, an that you’d make up for every moment you missed. My favorite part was that fact that you couldn’t wait to be with me. That you missed me as much as I missed you. I miss waking up trying to find ways just to make you happy, even if it meant going out of my way. I did it all for you. Offered you my money, gave you my money even if I didn’t have it. Was your best friend at the same time and helped you through your struggles better than anyone else had. I always found the best in you, I saw your imperfect mess perfectly perfect. Your mom told me sometimes were better off, but are you really? Am I really? I’m sorry but after everything I did, I’d expect you loosing me would be some what hard on you too, though it seems like I’m the only one struggling here. I hate to remind you but realize it’s all true. I wish you’d stop acting like you’ve forgot, like I’m nothing to you now because also keep in mind. I did every little thing right, and I did it out of love for you.